not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
pray to the hookup gods
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
