is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
