on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
