i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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