Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Randomize
