I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
