i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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