Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
