Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
