On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The beer is more important than you right now.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
