I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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