I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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