cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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