There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
please come you make the beer taste better
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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