If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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