I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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