Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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