Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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