can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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