you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
