Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
