I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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