There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
