You don't have asthma, your pregnant
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
