We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
