I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize