gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
