So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
