White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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