Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize