I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
