Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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