I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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