ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
