You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize