Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
