Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
