Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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