that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
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