I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
