Joe is yelling at the trees again.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
