so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
