I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
