I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
