you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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