I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
