Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
