I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize