I'm so fucking centered right now
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
