Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
as a side note pls kill me
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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