May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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