Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
