i can't believe i had my finger in that
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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