No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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