Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
