you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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