And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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