Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
