I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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