why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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