I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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