I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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