The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
