And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
