Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
