The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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