Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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