fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
